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A Special Agent's Confession
Di Meng, Secret China

I scored well in my college entrance exam after I finished high school. My parents wanted me to attend a good college and they learned that a certain institute of international relations was not bad. So, they spent a lot of money on bribing some officials and succeeded in getting me into that institute. I'd thought it was a good college, but when I went, I found it was an institution that trained spies and special agents.

It was too late for me to quit, and since I was on board already, I figured I might as well stay the course. Don't even think about quitting a place like that. If I had truly attempted, the rest of my life would be ruined.

Now I was in and could not call it quits. So the only thing I could do was to work very hard in my studies and training. I graduated from that institute with honors.

I didn't tell my parents what that institute was really about, concerned that they might feel disappointed. What parents would want their children to go to that kind of school and do that kind of job afterwards? They didn't deliberately send me in. Had they known the nature of the institute in the first place, I'm sure they wouldn't have even tried to get me in.

As a matter of fact, I despised the occupation of a special agent during my childhood. I thought it was painful to live a double life and not be able to speak the truth even to one's family members. Ironically, I embarked on a path I had not wanted and went with a job I most detested.

Upon graduation, I was assigned to a workplace, and all my classmates were sent to work in different places. Some went abroad, working in Chinese embassies. Needless to say, they were all involved in intelligence work. I never asked them [about their work], and even if I had, they wouldn't tell because that's our "discipline." Slowly we lost contact with one another.

Later, once I went home, I couldn't help it anymore and told my parents that I had become a special agent. Both of them were surprised and upset. They resorted to their connections again and used bribery to get me into a security department. Although I didn't like the job, I worked hard all the same because I didn't want to fail my parents as they toiled to raise me and had spent so much money trying to find me a job. So, I wanted to make more money to make their life comfortable.

I was quite smart—in my supervisor's eyes—and did a few things against my conscience. So, soon after I joined the service, I got a promotion. And that was the time when the suppression of Falun Gong had just started.

At that time I was not directly involved in the investigation and persecution of Falun Gong. But one of my associates told me that Falun Gong was not like what the TV said it was. Other than that, no one ever mentioned it to me anymore, for our job requires that we should never question what our superiors asked us to do. We can not have our own independent thinking, and we live like pigs and dogs, or even less. The other day, free angel, one of my Internet friends, wrote an article entitled So-called Protest from the Dog's State. I laughed after I read it. Though I felt hurt as I laughed, I acknowledged to myself that the article had a point. It's indeed true that a special agent is less worthy than a dog. We are actually flattered if we are called dogs.

Our lives are depressing and painful. We are given a lot of money, but are asked to do things that even pigs and dogs wouldn't want to do. We can betray anything, including our conscience and friends. If we are asked to join an organization with our true identities concealed, we have to go. Despite an excellent personal relationship with someone, we have to obey orders from our superiors and stick to the Party nature. I had the experience of killing my fellow associates as they'd completed their missions and were not allowed to give out any secrets. I had not wanted to kill them; after all, they were my fellow associates. But if they'd stayed alive, no one could stop them from disclosing the shady dealings they'd been ordered to do; so, they became expendable. I steeled my heart and killed them with my own hands. I was sick to my stomach after the killings. I am not a human! What I've done disqualifies me as a human, I thought. I really felt sick as I was conducting the killings. But that was my job and I had to do it. Even if I hadn't done it, someone else would be ordered to do it. Had I refused to do it, I'd have to take the consequences and someone would kill me, though instances like that are rare. Who knows when I'll be killed, too, by my superiors or associates?! That's just the nature of this job.

The families of those whom I killed did not know where their loved ones had gone. I sent them some money on a regular basis in the names of the victims. To me, that was the only way to redeem myself.

A few years went by, and I became numb and insensitive at first, and turned into a cold-blooded agent as my human nature diminished. And then I was asked to monitor the Internet, especially Falun Gong. As to when specifically I was asked to do so, I can't tell right now; if I did, I would be in danger.

In the beginning, I did not understand these Falun Gong practitioners and had no idea what they were doing. I really thought they were like what the TV said. After some time, I found that, contrary to what I'd thought, they were quite kind-hearted. Still, I kept swearing at them on the Internet and harassed them in all sorts of ways, such as sending messages and posting remarks in derogatory language, emailing Trojan horses, and providing damaging links, and so on. Unfortunately, some people fell to my traps and revealed their real IPs. As a result, some Internet users who had broken through the blocks were arrested. At the time, we felt elated.

Of course, as a senior agent, I did not have to do these things, as they were the responsibilities of the junior staff. I was really crazy then, so I went about disrupting Internet communications. I felt useless, and besides killing people silently and living in the world like a ghost, I didn't know what good I could do. I used my irrational and mad behavior as an outlet to my anger toward this world. And in the eyes of my superiors, I did these because I was loyal to the Party and the state. So they trusted me even more.

One day, I used "majia" as my ID and sent a text message with a Trojan horse in it to XXX from the Qingxin Forum. She was quite vigilant and wouldn't fall for it. At the time, I used the same ID to send Trojan horses to many new forum members as well. She saw through my tricks and exposed them. So my ID was invalidated. I didn't really care, as that was my job. I lost "majia" and could still register a new one. It would be fine as long as my internal ID was not removed. I sent her another message, using a different ID. I pretended to be a Falun Gong practitioner and chatted with her. We talked for a few days, but I didn't get any information from her. Disappointed, I changed my ID again and began posting abusive remarks on the forum, which she patiently deleted. She then sent me a text message, and thus we resumed our chat.

We touched many topics in our talks, especially the meaning of life. She reprimanded my behaviors and told me, "I don't care what job you are doing. It's a predestined relationship that we met online." She asked me whether I had read Zhuan Falun and the Nine Commentaries. I told her honestly that I hadn't. My life had been meaningless, and, besides my parents, I didn't care about anything. So I didn't read anything either.

She said to me, "If you want to harass us, you won't succeed as long as we are here—you already know it. Whatever messages you send—be it good software or an interesting link—I won't click it. I won't disclose any information to you. You'd better give it up. No one, including my parents and friends, knows my ID on the forum. I suggest you go read Zhuan Falun and the Nine Commentaries. Come back when you finish reading them, and we can discuss it. If you can convince me in our discussion, I'll stop trying to persuade you. If you just want to harass us, I'll have to keep deleting your messages or request your ID be removed."

At her prompting, I got Zhuan Falun and the Nine Commentaries from the Internet. I started with the Nine Commentaries. I was completed shaken after reading it. I wanted to quit the Party when I reached the sixth commentary. But at the time, I didn't quite make up my mind.

Afterwards I read Zhuan Falun. I was completely shaken and touched as I was reading it. I felt so sorry for myself after reading it. Why didn't I read it earlier? I asked myself rhetorically. If I had read it earlier, I wouldn't have done so many bad things. I wouldn't have done them even if it meant I had to beg for a living.

I decided to become a good person and be my true self again. I started to reject those so-called Party principles. Actually, those principles are used when the Party wants people to risk their lives for its interests. To put it plainly, they are to let people abandon their human nature and do things even dogs are incapable of doing.

I chatted with her with a new ID and asked her if she could give me a chance. She asked what I meant, and I told her I meant I wanted to be her boyfriend. She rejected me without hesitation and said, "It doesn't matter who you are—even if you are the admin—the answer is 'no,' as our safety has to be protected." Actually I still wanted to trick her into telling me her personal information. But I didn't want to betray her, and I only wanted to know who she was. She, however, didn't give out a trace.

After two days of chatting, I decided to make public part of our online conversations and posted them on the forum. Soon, many messages followed, expressing congratulations to me. I was really moved, as, except my parents, no one else has treated me as a human in a long time. I made up my mind and quit the Party.

One day I was having a drink with one of my best pals, who was also my colleague. I couldn't hold it back anymore and told him what was really on my mind. I asked him, "Have you quit [the Party]?" He paused a moment and stared into my eyes, speechless. I knew what he was thinking. I patted on his shoulder and said, "I have quit. I trust you." He raised his drink and looked at me for at least ten minutes. And finally, with a sigh, he said, "I quit six months ago. I used an assumed name. I trust you, too."

Tears were pouring out from our eyes. In so many years, it was the first time we dared to speak our minds to one another, though we were best friends.

He then said, "It's not enough to just quit the Party. We should redeem ourselves." I nodded in agreement and said, "Let's start to collect evidence of their crimes." He readily agreed and was quick to add, "But we have to be careful." I smiled. "Either in school or at work, we both did well. Let's use what we've learned to collect evidence of their crimes," I suggested.

After that conversation, we set about collecting evidence. For us, evidence collection was a piece of cake as, for all these years, we'd been doing this. So, it was not hard at all—for us, that is.

Not long ago, when I told my superiors that someone had become disloyal, they were only half-convinced. So, they started a secret investigation and wanted to find out if it was someone from within. But those stupid investigators couldn't know in a million years that I was laughing at them in my heart. How could they find anything? Can I still be at this job if I had not been able to keep it completely confidential? I was using the method they taught me to collect evidence against them—that is what's called "retribution."

Actually I was making this public because I wanted to sound a warning to them. Doing bad things will have consequences. I sincerely hoped that all my associates would turn a new leaf by mending their ways.

Now we've collected a mountain of evidence. Only yesterday, we learned through tapping that a few more associates of ours had expressed their readiness to prepare for their future by quitting the Party. Both of us were very happy at hearing the news. Again, there were more who wanted to abandon the darkness and embrace the light.

We also checked our superior in secret and found out that she had her passport ready. She was concerned that the Chinese Communist Party (CCP) may fall at any moment. So she wanted to get ready to go abroad when the time came. But she probably had never thought that it would already be too late when the time really comes.

Each time when overseas media revealed the CCP's dirty tricks, they were shocked, frightened, and infuriated. Their fear of being further exposed is increasing by the day. As a matter of fact, special agents are nothing to be afraid of. All they are capable of doing is to do bad things under cover. The founder of Falun Gong has recently spoken openly to them, and I have chosen this moment to publish my confession. Some among them are mad as they became aware that their days are numbered. But what's the use of becoming mad? Being mad will not save evildoers from their doomed fate.

Finally I want to offer a piece of advice to each and every special agent who's hiding in The Epoch Times, Secret China, Minghui, Qingxin , Boxun , and other overseas media outlets. Remember my words: One day when the CCP no longer needs you, that's when you will die.

I have killed a number of special agents who had completed their missions and were no longer needed. I feel ashamed and guilty of my cowardly acts and the absurd years I've been through. I strongly hope that you will learn a lesson from my experiences and see through the CCP's evil nature so that you will end this absurd way of life by pulling yourself from the sinful abyss. Don't hesitate and wait until I collect enough evidence against you and make it public, for then it will be too late for you.

I know that, like me, many of you started out doing this job against your own will. No one really wants to hide in the dark every day and do things that they know is wrong—it's simply too depressing. Step forward and be a true human! Think about your loved ones and then think about yourself.

Your chances are diminishing, and you'll lose them all if you stay muddle-headed. My fellow associates, there's still time if you repent now—for yourselves, if not for others.

© Copyright 2002-2007 AFAR